Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Demeanor


Parenting a child with special needs is exhausting, overwhelming, and unappreciated.

Parenting multiple children with special needs is debilitating.

Parenting multiple children with special needs that involve unrelenting blows to the family finances is crushing.

Parenting multiple children with special needs that involve unrelenting blows to the family finances while following a religious tradition that means higher costs to the family than average in America for food, education, and holiday observances is staggering.

Parenting multiple children with special needs that involve unrelenting blows to the family finances while following a religious tradition that means higher costs to the family than average in America for food, education, and holiday observances, and having a disability of your own is overpowering.

Parenting multiple children with special needs that involve unrelenting blows to the family finances while following a religious tradition that means higher costs to the family than average in America for food, education, and holiday observances, and having a disability of your own and having that disability be depression is paralyzing to the point of breakdown.

That's where I am.

Breakdown.

It's black and white.

I can't do this anymore the way things are.

There are only two values--light and dark.  There's no color.  There's no tint.  There's no hint of change or respite or relief or solace or succor or deliverance.

There's light which isn't coming and dark which is everywhere.

Don't ask me "how are you?" Don't ask "can I help with anything?"  The brain is turned off except to note light and dark.  Planning is switched off.  Coping is switched off.  Progressing is switched off.

What's on?  Light and dark.  Family needs to eat.  Family needs to have happy holidays.  Family members have obligations.  Family members have appointments.  Get everyone everywhere they need to be.  Get them everything they need to have.  Ensure everyone can do what they've decided is their right or privilege.  Answer the phone.  Cook the food.  Run the errands.  Make the appointments.  

Maybe you have more than light and dark.  I don't know anything else right now.

2 comments:

Alicia said...

I do hope you are seeing a profession psychologist for this and that things turn around soon.

Seven said...

that you can put perfectly into words what we can all understand astounds me. I can't think of an answer or way to help, I wish your burden was lighter.