I really tried

My doctor had two alternative suggestions: either hospitalization or as long as possible a solo vacation. Needless to say I picked trying the getaway first. I'm not so fond of full nor partial hospitalization, thank you very much. I did a little digging and found a listing for a place up outside of Gettysburg, just inside the MD state line (I tried to keep track of the Confederate flags and frankly it was pretty much a toss-up between the two sides of the Mason-Dixon line right there). I booked, I went up and it seemed lovely.

On a private family farm, hundreds of acres owned by one person, a whole floor of a separate farmhouse with private kitchen, dining area, meditation room, bedroom, full bathroom, and enclosed porch.

First though I found out I was really lost at what I was doing there. I tried breaking up my time with a very little bit of shopping and sightseeing (I did go to the Utz outlet in Hanover to bring back treats for the family to thank them for seeing me through all of this and especially seeing me go and not complaining about it). I took a lot of walks, around the fields, through the paths, around the pond, amidst all the great dye plants (couldn't turn that part of my brain off, apparently). All sorts of pretty, calming things. And I figured I'd do some crafting while I had peace, especially seeing it as an opportunity to focus on a really fiendish-to-learn-until-you-get-it-down weave known as Jens Pind Linkage, and then a multi-media piece that had been bouncing around in my head for weeks.

JPL bracelet, at last after many previous attempts

Pure copper rings, sterling silver rings, metal seed beads,
Swarovski crystals,  glass seed beads, and base metal findings

Then I realized I was getting nowhere healing-wise. Not physically, not mentally. My shoulder hurt worse than ever, and I wasn't feeling more whole even after journaling 50 pages in my newly bought journal.  So I switched to no planning, no crafting, no accomplishing. No product-driven thinking. Process-only. I did a little coloring, which is well outside of my comfort area. But I went ahead with it. I even told myself it was okay not to plan it, not to make rules for myself while coloring either. I wasn't so good at that, at letting go of conscious control, and allowing myself freedom to not think and not plan and to ground myself in a more meditative or open ended mental state. I really just couldn't do it. But I did do the coloring and made the effort.
And then everything just crashed down on top of me once and for all and I just felt more physically and mentally ill than when I arrived, because I realized that the bites I was getting in lines on my arms, legs, torso, everywhere, were bed bug bites. I hadn't noticed the first few nights.

Of course I hadn't because I had never encountered bed bugs before and so my body hadn't developed an immune response allergy yet. After a few nights though, I was waking up each morning with more. This morning I realized and confirmed what I was thinking was in fact right, and what could I do but quickly do all my laundry in as hot water as available and leave as soon as possible? I've done everything I can to avoid having introduced them to the house. I'll be even more sick if my efforts weren't enough. I just don't know what to do now. Hospitalization isn't high on my list of what to try next. But with school coming up for the kids, and the holidays in just a few weeks running for a full month, going away again isn't possible. I'm so very lost in myself.