Saturday, December 31, 2011

Isolation, for better or worse?

I haven't really waxed philosophical for a while now, have I?  In addition, I've been putting off posting again, and again.  Some of it is business (no surprise), some of it is that I always just post one-liners and single silliness moments with the kids on Facebook, but some of it I think is this weird direction I'm going in.

I'm somewhat isolated already, I know.  My family is pretty darn unique (statistically it's pretty incredibly so, right?), our lifestyle unusual in the general USA, and then there's me.  I get depressed regularly, I'm caught up in our family craziness, my brain has never been the same since Addie was born (I can never come up with words, and some depth that used to be in my brain just doesn't seem to be there any more; it's not getting worse, it's just never gotten better).  I don't like to be in groups, I don't like crowds, I don't socialize well, I don't do small talk, I'm not warm and fuzzy, I'm not communicative.  Now, in addition, I'm really having trouble with night time driving, and night time here in the mid-Atlantic comes at 5 pm throughout the winter months.  I just can't see well and I'm very uncomfortable with it.

Now, I know that I am inherently lazy, and that this is my greatest problem in life, but all of this makes it that much more easy for me to always justify my laziness and rationalize it.  I've been working for the last few years more on getting a little more easy-going, learning to take a deep breath when things go crazy, much more than I've worked on my motivation and willingness to take action.

Now I'm at an impasse.  I know I'm terribly lazy and don't do what I need to do.  So much doesn't get done.  Cleaning, caring for the kids, taking care of details, I never do enough of any of those.  I really wish a lot of the time I could just fine "the ultimate book," the one I could read and read and never tire of and read again, and just lock myself up somewhere and be left to read it indefinitely.  That's obviously fiction (ha!), but it's a way of conveying my ideal.  I can't kick the laziness of my lifestyle, and the craving for isolation feeds my laziness or at least my lack of action to get anything done.   Just call me sloth.

3 comments:

LizzieK8 said...

Have you had your thyroid checked? It may not be laziness as much as lack of energy...

galiah said...

what struck me as i read your post is-- you do so much! you deal w so much! so the fact that you find it hard to do more... is kinda understandable... but i do understand your frustration.

seven said...

It's time to focus on you. I don't believe in "lazy". It's like the word stupid. Too broad a heading. Who helps you with figuring out what to do? I think you should talk with that person and spend some time working on your body. You need to be filled up with hope again. Both of you parents must have very empty tanks from giving as much as you are called upon to do. Check your bodies out, both of you is my suggestion. Does this sound at all appealing to you? http://www.healinggateways.com/FloatingExpperience.shtml Imagine that and some massages, and blood work, etc. too..but being still and working on yr center might help build your spirit back up w/o drugs or waiting rooms. I have to read too. I know the feeling of wishing for the never ending story.