Thursday, August 18, 2016

Cloudy with a chance of healing

That's what I call this scarf, "Cloudy With a Chance of Healing." The yarn is from Ellen's Half-Pint Farm and the color way is unnamed, but it has the gray, purples, blues, and pinks of storm clouds. I felt compelled to attempt to return to knitting in some way, even though my mind itself is still very cloudy, so I just cast on 34 stitches and knit Old Shale until I ran out of yarn; that was 100" later it turned out.

I'm doing better; my psyche has healed a little and I'm having fewer anxiety attacks as well as less depression. The drugs are probably mostly to thank, it's just too bad they took a full 6-8 weeks to have any effect. My cobwebs are clearing out little by little too; I've been able to drive a couple of places, follow short recipes for basic things, and read a little bit of light reading.  I'm still very depressed and anxious, but more of a 3-4 on a 1-10 scale, whereas before I was a 7, which just isn't livable.

I'm still having trouble with sleep even with the medicines. Some nights I can't fall asleep, others I can't stay asleep. Last night I was fine until 5 am when I woke up fully; before 6 I gave up on staying in bed, I wasn't dozing at all, but I lazed around just checking up on Facebook and reading the newspaper until about 8:00. Then I got in gear, made an angel food cake, went shopping, put away the groceries, and baked a peach pound cake (using fresh peaches from our From the Farmer delivery last week, I can't believe I hadn't eaten all the peaches already).

My shoulder is causing a lot of pain still, especially after the knitting, shifting around some heavy boxes yesterday in a small de-clutter effort, and driving today. All the same, once I'd blocked the first scarf, I cast on another, this one in a very different color way but an equally basic stitch pattern. I'm trying to really back down on the compulsive knitting; somehow, though, my brain just craves it.

This isn't poetic nor insightful. It's just me and my thoughts today, where I'm at. I've really lost this summer. I'd like to get some living back in my life.

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